The End is Near

Here I thought with all this time before the baby comes I would be blogging away, stacking up novels beside my bed as I plowed through them night after night, and my house would be immacululate. Well, based on the blogging frequency you can guess how that execution is going. I find myself a wee bit...paralyzed. Mostly just the last two days, anxiety has swept over and I find myself a little dazed and confused, not sure what to do, how to feel, or how to spend my last ticking minutes. There are so many emotions floating around I guess it's just making me feel like a big emotional murky pond, which would explain a little crying fit after my Dr. appt yesterday, just to try and clear my head. It didn't really help and freaked my husband out a little. "Don't be one of those wacky people who gets all stressed unecessarily about things" was his take. I agree, but it's hard. It would help if he would talk about baby names or maybe it wouldn't. I worry about Mayson's reaction, he is sure she will be fantastic about the new baby. I want to take some last stage pregnancy pictures, he's in no rush (we have more 36 hours after all). He says it's routine minor surgery, but I know it is routine yes, but minor, not at all. He says everything is going to be fine, deep down I truly agree with him but I still need to listen to that little paranoid what if voice hiding inside of me. I guess that is what makes me a woman and makes him a man. The ability to hold two conflicting thoughts and emotions at the same time is something women tend to be quite adept at. Is it good for us? I don't know. Sometimes I'd like to be able to approach things like a man, with a simple single thought but most times I am grateful to have the insight of a woman. It just sometimes sucks, like now, when the emotional soup is bubbling and brewing a little out of control. Will I love this baby as much as I love Mayson? Will I enjoy having to split my attention to one more being in my life? Will I feel guilty for the emotional upset Mayson will feel? Will I be overjoyed at the blessing of yet another member of our little family? Will I be able to survive those nightly wake up calls and still have a sanity to deal with a two year old the next day? Will my baby be healthy? Will my husband rise to occasion? Will my husband resent me? Who will this baby be? Will I be just as enthralled as the first time around? Will it make me a better mom? Can I love everyone enough?

What's worse?

Waking three times in the night, having trouble getting out of bed to pee due to pubic bone pain or waking three times in the night to feed a baby, having trouble getting out of bed due to C-section incision pain?

Being exhausted from end-stage (yes it is somewhat likened to a terminal disease) pregnancy or being exhausted from caring for a baby, a toddler, and recovering from surgery?

Peeing when you sneeze or vaginal bleeding for 10 weeks straight?

Being kicked in the ribs 24-7 or having having sore nipples 24-7?

Not excercising because you are physically unable or not exercising because you don't have time?

Being catheterized or a post surgery UTI?

Knowing when you will have your baby and having the clock tick down or waiting not knowing when the ticking will stop?

Oh if I knew the answer to all of these questions I may not be in this predicament. Thankfully the human (or should I say female) mind is a wonderful thing in the way it allows us to eliminate these memories in order that we may bear more children?

But let me ask myself this...
What's better, feeling the miracle that is having a little life inside your womb or feeling the miracle that is holding your new born baby for the first time? Unfortunately I can't recall the answer to this question either but thankfully I will likely be blessed to enough to experience both, again! So today is a good day, and tomorrow, whether it brings a baby or another day of pregnancy, will be a great day.