What About Me?

Sometimes motherhood astounds me. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the strange dichotomies of motherhood. For instance, we love our children, but sometimes they can make us crazy. I guess that is how love goes, only when you love someone can their actions have such an intense impact on you. But a biggy that confuses me often is this: we love to see our children grow, each new skill they master, each developmental step is so beautiful to see and leaves us in awe and wonder and yet it also leaves us...sad? The very of joy of having children to watch them grow and change is also something that causes great sadness. I don't know why? Is it because that means we are getting older and we find that sad? I don't think so because I don't really go around being sad about being older. So what is it? I guess it's about holding onto that innocence that children have and bring into our lives. Is it about them growing up and growing apart from us and fearing a loss of their unconditional love? I haven't figured it out yet but it's out there otherwise there wouldn't be all of us mom's crying in the mudroom after dropping our kids off at the first day of preschool or kindergarten.
The second big one that has me thinking is how we, as mothers are so important to the family, most important to them we might say. And in being the most important, we become the least important. When cutting up the last 10 strawberries, who will get the sweetest ones, me or my girls? No brainer. When it is supper time who cooks in a mad frenzy for an hour, hasn't eaten lunch in leiu of getting everyone to school and naps on time, then spends the next half hour feeding the baby, getting milk, getting napkins, helping someone go pee, etc etc and might actually get to taste some of that culinary effort before 8pm? who is the least important. I realized this when one day my oldest daughter asked me about something we were eating or doing "what about you mommy" and I off-handedly replied "not me, I'm the least important, I'll go last". She replied in shock "NO MOMMY!! YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT!!" Well, I guess that's why we do it all, isn't it? Because they need us, because we hold their world upon our shoulders. It is frustrating, rewarding, exhausting, and bewildering. It's just one more thing that motherhood has brought into my life that I am truly grateful to be experiencing, good and bad.