The End is Near

Here I thought with all this time before the baby comes I would be blogging away, stacking up novels beside my bed as I plowed through them night after night, and my house would be immacululate. Well, based on the blogging frequency you can guess how that execution is going. I find myself a wee bit...paralyzed. Mostly just the last two days, anxiety has swept over and I find myself a little dazed and confused, not sure what to do, how to feel, or how to spend my last ticking minutes. There are so many emotions floating around I guess it's just making me feel like a big emotional murky pond, which would explain a little crying fit after my Dr. appt yesterday, just to try and clear my head. It didn't really help and freaked my husband out a little. "Don't be one of those wacky people who gets all stressed unecessarily about things" was his take. I agree, but it's hard. It would help if he would talk about baby names or maybe it wouldn't. I worry about Mayson's reaction, he is sure she will be fantastic about the new baby. I want to take some last stage pregnancy pictures, he's in no rush (we have more 36 hours after all). He says it's routine minor surgery, but I know it is routine yes, but minor, not at all. He says everything is going to be fine, deep down I truly agree with him but I still need to listen to that little paranoid what if voice hiding inside of me. I guess that is what makes me a woman and makes him a man. The ability to hold two conflicting thoughts and emotions at the same time is something women tend to be quite adept at. Is it good for us? I don't know. Sometimes I'd like to be able to approach things like a man, with a simple single thought but most times I am grateful to have the insight of a woman. It just sometimes sucks, like now, when the emotional soup is bubbling and brewing a little out of control. Will I love this baby as much as I love Mayson? Will I enjoy having to split my attention to one more being in my life? Will I feel guilty for the emotional upset Mayson will feel? Will I be overjoyed at the blessing of yet another member of our little family? Will I be able to survive those nightly wake up calls and still have a sanity to deal with a two year old the next day? Will my baby be healthy? Will my husband rise to occasion? Will my husband resent me? Who will this baby be? Will I be just as enthralled as the first time around? Will it make me a better mom? Can I love everyone enough?